Any time I see some tall, fit, handsome man it makes me feel like “Oh, THAT’S what a man is supposed to be.” and I’m like the cheap bargain inferior generic version of what a man is. Like that guy is the Kellog’s Froot Loops of men, to my store brand “Fruity Rings” of men. Like that guy is the Mattel collector’s edition Superman action figure, and I’m the cheap plastic luchador toy painted to look like Spider-Man and sold in a pack with a cheap Mr. Incredible and a purple Batman at the 99cent store. Like that man probably takes women home and picks them up in his strong arms and the lady is all like swoooon I feel so safe, and then he tosses her on his sturdy bed that he built himself, and it’s an overhead toss too because he’s so strong, he’s all like “RAAAH!” and then after he’s satisfied her completely she’s like “Let me call a taxi.” but he’s like ” No need.” and he tosses her on his back and he runs her home at full sprint. When she gets home she realizes she’s somehow already 5 months pregnant because his seed was so potent. When that baby is born it has a 5 o’clock shadow, even though it’s a girl, that’s just how manly his genes are. He’s a man. He’s like the big budget blockbuster version of a man that general audiences crave. I’m also technically a man, but I’m like the SyFy channel ripoff of that blockbuster movie that has a niche audience of people who’ve got nothing better to do and don’t mind silly things. He’s like Legos, and I’m like that other knock-off shit where you stick the blocks together and you can either never get them apart or never get them to stick together.

But if I’ve got anything going for me, I am like super good at being self-deprecating. The best maybe.

Put “LOVEtendo” and “Clever Girl” in my DBH shop.

So, you can buy those if you want. Or other shirts there too. I recommend buying all of them.

http://www.designbyhumans.com/shop/thestray

Man, literally googling “How to stop yourself from crying?” right now, because I’m just not emotionally prepared for something I have to do this weekend.

Some common tips seem to be to pinch the skin between your thumb and pointer finger really hard, and that makes your brain focus on that pain. Other things say to try doing math problems in your head. Also biting your tongue apparently.

Are there any drugs you can take that make you have no emotions for a couple of hours? Maybe something that will dry out my tear ducts so I am physically unable to cry?

Usually, I just let crying happy, I feel like it’s healthy, it’s cleansing. But this is going to situation where it behooves me to be strong for someone else’s benefit, and I just don’t know if I have it in me to not lose my shit. That’s just not a thing I can easily turn on or off. I think I’m just going to bring some sunglasses, that’s the best I can do.

Ever cry at inopportune moments?

Several times in the past few weeks I’ve been in situations where I thought “Oh no… am I going to have stand up for a complete stranger and maybe fight a person?”

- Some guy is standing around at a crosswalk with a boombox just playing music. Some little old hispanic lady completely minding her own business walking across the street passes by him and he shouts at full volume “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME BITCH!” Scaring the shit out of the old lady, me, and everyone within earshot. This old lady was just walking across the street and she hadn’t even come very close to him or anything, this guy was just cuckoobananas. That poor frightened old lady did her best to scurry away. He was still staring at her though and he took a few steps toward her direction like he was about to go after her, and I’m like the closest person nearby so I’m thinking “Come on man don’t bother this lady, I don’t want to have to get involved.” I’m not a tough person, or a brave person, but if some innocent person appears threatened and it seems like it’s up to me to protect them and I do nothing I know I’ll feel horrible and ashamed for the rest of my life. I’d rather get beat up, because at least then I’d heal and be able to feel okay about myself.

- Another non-incident, some girl was walking home, she was probably like 15 or 16. Some leery older guy in probably his 40’s or 50’s, looks her up and down then approaches her and says something to her. She just completely ignores him, as is her right, the guy seemed creepy as shit. As she keeps walking he just stands there for a moment watching her, then starts following after her in a purposeful “I can’t believe this bitch ignored me!” type of way. So now I’m thinking oh jeez, what’s this guy going to do? Am I going to have to step in? I came up with a non-confrontational plan though. I caught up to the guy and stopped him and asked him for directions to the library (which I actually did need to know), he started telling me where to go, and I kinda played dumb to occupy as much as his time as possible. Luckily this managed to distract him, and for long enough that the girl was long gone by time I finished talking to him.

My fear though is that one day I’m going to end up rolling around on the pavement in a life or death struggle in an effort to prevent a perceived threat to someone. I would almost never fight on my own behalf, I’m more than content to just ignore an aggressor, or just run away if I have to. When it comes to defending someone else I do feel like I have an obligation there, as a grown man. There’s that quote “Evil is what happens when good men do nothing.” by whoever, and that’s always stuck with me, I’ve always been afraid that I’ll chicken out of doing the right thing when put in a situation, and I hope I never have to put that to the test. No offense to chickens, I know it’s a very offensive stereotype to call all of you chickens cowards.

raventailor:

Orange Moon

Hey, I know this girl. She’s madly in love with me. Alissa, what are you doing popping up on my dashboard like some kinda model lady?

Thank you Daft Punk. I really need that.

-Jeff

I love my dog’s underbite. Makes him look like he always has a little smile.

My mom made me the man I am today. And I think she owes me an apology for that.