Oh man, one thing I think any of my friends would tell you about me is that I am an extremely persnickety motherfucker when it comes to words. I love words, I don’t feel like people appreciate them enough. There are so many of them with which to choose from, enabling us to convey the nuance of what ever it is that’s inside our skulls. So, it kind of irks me when people resign themselves to parroting trendy vague buzzwords that say so little instead of articulating a fully-formed opinion. I know this all sounds pretty pretentious, but oh well, your mom is ugly.

Hipster - I dislike words that are used pointlessly and inconsistently. Also the way this word is used often reeks of elitism. I just feel like calling any person, place, thing or activity “hipster” is usually the most uninteresting asinine trite thing you can say in most situations.

Meh - “Do you watch Fringe?” “Meh.” “Oh okay! Good talk!” Dismissively expressing your disinterest in a monosyllabic cavemanish sound just seems kind of tasteless to me. I’m trying to have a conversation over here, you can’t do me the courtesy of talking to me like a human being?

Swag - I had a friend addicted to saying this. It got to the point where he seemed to say it after just about any vaguely positive thing. ex: “See ya later.” “Swag.” That friend is probably reading this right now, and he knows I love him like a cousin (don’t worry, given time you’ll get to “like a brother” status) but that was a weird period of time. I’m glad you’ve resolved to phase it out of your vocabulary in 2012. I don’t have that much of a problem with the word itself, just the fact that people were just constantly saying it ad nauseum. Expand your lexicon motherfudgers. You’ll sound like a more interesting person if you seem to express yourself in a unique way.

Oh man, are people going to be mad at me and unfollow me if they say these words a lot? I’m sorry, I take it all back, haha, it was just a joke, it’s cool, they’re just words, I don’t really care, don’t hate me :(

Meh, hipster swag

To be perfectly honest with you, it was a long time ago, it might have been a dorito. There was for sure an orange cheesy dust residue, I remember that for sure.

If you want advice on how to get the ladies, you came to the right place man. Because if there’s one thing I know how to, it’s get ladies, like all day all the time, it’s the main thing that I do.

Here’s my simple trick; subliminal persuasion. Just engage them in a mundane conversation, and then subtley slip the word “sex” in between words. You might want to practice this out loud by yourself until you get the hang of it. Here’s an example:

“So have you heard (sex) about this SOPA bill? It’s crazy isn’t it? It’s kinda scary when you (sex) really think about it. The people who authored this bill don’t even (sex) understand the ramifi(sex)cations of what this bill (sex) would do.” etc etc, get it?

Before you know it, they’ll be like “SHUT UP AND SEX ME IMMEDIATELY!”

(disclaimer: This intent of this post is facetious, I do not actually advocate brainwashing anyone female or otherwise for any purpose. If you try this and it works though, TOTALLY LET ME KNOW!”)

Okay, I will let you say that.

He’s a skillful rap song person.

About twice as half as much as YO MAMA!

WHAAAT?

*high fives people*

SNAP!

Hm, as far as I know, the only gay thing a person can ever do, is be gay. I’ve never done that.

I’m still young though, so, ya know, who knows and stuff.

Did I? I’m sorry. Were you the one that posted gif of a man licking a vagina? Nothing personal, I just like to keep my dash all-ages, as there is a frequently an 8yr old that I am related to peering over my shoulder during my tumblr browsing, which makes sense for him because superheroes and adventure time are always popping up on my dash. Even if there weren’t a kid around though, I kind of don’t like porn being sprung on me randomly, I’m far from a prude, I just like to CHOOSE when I’m going to see porn, because some times I want to be able to have other things in my brain besides sex. This is super hard, because as you may know, I am a man. You don’t know how hard it is for me to stop myself from looking at pornographic imagery constantly, even talking about it right now is making me want to google image “huge gazongas” with the safe search off, it’s a never ending struggle to try to fit non-porn things into my life. I come to tumblr mostly for art, inspiration, pictures of cute dogs, fashion and funny things. Then I see some porn gif and I’m like “Oh GREAT! Now I gotta go look at porn now forever!” It’s like being a werewolf, but instead of a full moon it’s porn, and instead of a part man part wolf monster it’s horny. Again, it’s not personal, it’s so not personal that I’ve actually unfollowed real-life friends for posting the same kind of content. It’s just the way I like my dash.

Also I kind of hate you as a person, so I guess it’s SORTA personal.

I hope I explained that well enough and you are now not sad.

:)