they call me the stray

This post is brought to you by peer pressure, cause everyone else is sharing year end retrospectives, I gotta do it too. 2011, what can I say about you? I like the double 1’s, it’s a nice look, very svelte, and “twenty eleven” rolls off the tongue quite nicely, so you’ve got those things going for you. Beyond that though… hmmm…

2011 was my first year of Tumblring. February 2011 I decided hey, let’s see what all this “tumblr” jazz is all about. I didn’t really expect much, and I really didn’t understand it at first, but it’s turned out to be a lot of fun, and extremely instrumental in helping me make a living as an artist. It’s been a thrill to post a doodle and then an hour later see that hundreds of people have liked and shared and commented on it, or that it’s tagged by an editor, or have a person that works on Adventure Time compliment my work, it’s all pretty swell. Also, you guys are awesome people. Thanks for being awesome. I hope to make the blog a lot better next year.

And now, here are some 2011 gif memories from my blog:

Yup, those are some things. EXPECT MORE AND BETTER NEXT YEAR!

Talk to you guys next year.

veence replied to your photo: I don’t have the use of photoshop or flash or my…

Someone help Veence! He’s being swallowed by a bear!

Yo mamma so fat, everybody be like, “Man, that’s gotta be the fattest person.”

Yo mama so ugly, she was walking down the street and this dog started barking at her. That dog barks at a lot of people, but I could tell that it thought your mom was ugly. Trust me, I’m good at reading animals.

Yo mama so stank, I mean jeez… come ON!

Yo mama so sick, the doctor’s said she doesn’t have much time left. Better pray for a miracle homie.

Yo mama so desperate to be loved, she doesn’t leave your step-dad even though he be whoopin her ass. She need to get outta that relationship.

Yo mama so gay, I mean… not that anything’s wrong with that…

Yo mama so nonexistent, she… wait… who was I just talking about?

Yo mama so stupid, she be eatin eucalyptus leaves up in a tree butt-naked all day. Also she ugly and covered in all that gray fur. “That’s a koala bear” my ass.

Yo mama so ugly, people be like “I don’t know, she looks fine to me.”, but you can tell they’re just being nice.

Yo mama so dumb, people be like “Hey man, lay off his mom Jeff, she’s not dumb, she suffers from dementia.”, man, fuck all that, yo mama dumb as hell.

Yo mama so unremarkable…

Yo mamma so dumb, I told her it was chili outside, and she said “Oh I better grab my coat then.” and I was like “No, I mean the food you dumb bitch.” and she was like “Well in the context of that sentence it seemed like you meant it was cold, plus if you meant chili the food then that sentence was grammatically incorrect, you should’ve said THERE’S chili outside instead of IT’S chili outside, this is very basic English.” maannnnn, yo moms be on that bullshit. I socked her in the head.

When girls spray burny chemicals into my eyes just because I lept out of a bush at night and grabbed them. Way to make a first impression ladies.

When a woman looks me in the eyes while I’m talking I say “Excuse me, my penis is down here.” >:/

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Nobody even offered me a fucking glass so you can all go to hell.

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Stevie Wonder doesn’t even see the glass. I drank half, sshhh, don’t tell him.

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. McGuyver sees the glass half explosive, all he needs is some dental floss, a mousetrap, and a stick of gum.

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. They’re both wrong, it’s more like 1/3rd full.

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. M. Night Shymanalan reveals that both glasses were dead the whole time.

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Optimus sees that the glass is more than meets the eye.

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. So I showed them my penis and asked them if it was half-erect, or half-flaccid. Ladies, where are you going? Come back!

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. I’m so lonely. Why doesn’t anybody love me? :(

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Roger Ebert calls the glass a “tour de force”, “the work of a true glass auteur”. Dave Kehr of the New York Times says “If you see one glass this summer, see this glass!”

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. “C’mon guys, just drink up.” you say, trying not to let on that you peed in both of their glasses.

…I’m tempted to keep going, but something tells me you’re already tired of this.

So this came in the mail today. It’s not for me, it’s my little brother’s Christmas present. He’s 8 and he’s gotten into Dragon Ball Z Kai, which is awesome to me because he’s only about 2 grades younger than I was when I got into DBZ as a kid, so we bond over it and watch it together and talk about it. His favorite character is Vegeta, he actually does a Vegeta impression that’s pretty good for an 8yr old, haha. A Vegeta toy was the first thing he asked for, for Christmas. I thought no big deal, I got this, action figures aren’t very expensive, I’ll just snag one off Amazon, easy peasy.

Wrong.

Dragonball Z toys are OVER $9,000!!! Well not really, but they’re pretty expensive for toys. To give you an example, most of the articulated toys I saw that were available were around $70, and we’re talking about a 4 inch toy here. If you buy a $70 action figure of a Marvel character or a Power Ranger or something like that, that shit’s going to be like 20 inches tall and come with a shitload of accessories and special strap on guns and armor and shit, haha. So I’m like fuck, I love this kid but that is steep!

My little brother doesn’t get upset when he can’t have a thing, and when he asks for something he usually says “If you can”, and I make a point to never outright promise him anything that I don’t know I can do, I always say “I’ll try”, and he’s always cool with that. He doesn’t shout, he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t pout, just like the Santa song. He’s good for goodness sake! He understands and accepts that he’s not going to get EVERYTHING he wants for Christmas, but I feel like he deserves to at least get the thing he most wants. I finally found one that was about $39 (KirinHobby.com). That’s already way too much for a simple action figure to me, then plus the tax and shipping it rounded out to $52. I’m not going to lie I am a frugal bastard, so it pained me to give up 52 of my hard-earned dollars for something I didn’t perceive to be worth 52. It’s a nice toy, but by average toy standards, a toy of this size, quality, material, etc… it’s a $12, MAYBE $20. But ya know, I had the money, and I convinced myself that I’m not really paying just for a toy, what I’m really getting is my brother’s happiness on Christmas morning. Bought it. THEN like a week later I get an e-mail that the toy is out of stock, and they’re going to have to wait til they get another shipment from the manufacturer, and I’m like “FFFFUUUUCK!” because it might not make it in time for Christmas. Then on Monday they told me they’d got the shipment and would send it out asap, and it just got in today, right on time for Christmas tomorrow. I also got him Goku, and Cell, so he can have some battles. I also got him a PS2 and Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3. So hopefully he’ll be all smiles Christmas morning.

I want to thank everybody who bought my shirts, you made it possible for me to afford to give him a nice Christmas this year.

What’s really important here though… IS ALL THAT BUBBLE WRAP!

“He poppin them fuckin bubbles. Larry I hear you poppin them bubbles!”

Happy Holidays every one. Even if the holidays aren’t generally a happy time for you, or if you don’t celebrate anything in particular, I wish you all happiness and swell times.

All I want for Christmas is yyyyoooouuuu

to buy me something really expensive that I really really want and can’t afford myself

A few weeks ago I was in Taco Bell and it was raining really hard. One of the women who worked there was just getting off her shift. Her manager was like “Don’t you have a jacket?” and she told her that she left it in her car, so she’d have to get soaked going across the parking lot to her car. I was there waiting for my food, and I had an umbrella, so I offered to walk her to her car. It was no big deal to me or anything. She accepted and I walked her out to her car, nice thing to do right? Well THIS BITCH had the NERVE to not even offer to have sex with me! Not even hand or mouth sex! She thanked me profusely and that was IT! Ugh, what an ungrateful bitch. This is why chivalry is dead ladies!

Mortal Kombat: The Movie

It’s one of my all-time favorite movies. It’s one of those movies I loved when I was a kid, and I can still rewatch today and enjoy. I’ve seen it a gajillion times, and without fail I can’t help but yell “MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT!” along with it. How awesome was Christopher Motherfucking Highlander Lambert as Raiden? All the way awesome, that’s how awesome. Linden Ashby as Luke Cage was also especially cool to me, how did he not become an action star? Maybe not having a weird accent (Damme, Stallone, Schwarzenegger) hindered his career. I don’t know.

If you dislike this movie please just keep it to yourself, it’ll do nothing but put a strain on our internet friendship.

Anyway, even though I love this movie, there’s one scene that ALWAYS drives me crazy.

It’s the first day at Shang Tsung’s mysterious remote island, and a huge feast has been prepared for all the fighters.

People are enjoying the food, wondering what the hell is up with this crazy island and this crazy tournament.

Subzero and a bunch of oily shirtless dudes start filing into the room.

From the other side comes Scorpion and more oily shirtless dudes.

Shang Tsung steps out. “Sup everybody? Enjoying the food? You ready to get this shirt started or what?!” Okay, he doesn’t say that, just some blah blah about the tournament. Then he’s like “Wanna see some cool shit? Check this out!”

Shirtless oily dudes just start shoving everybody around and knocking shit over! Rude!

They flip over all the tables just letting the food spill all over the floor!

This is all to make way for a martial arts demonstration where some poor shirtless oily guy gets frozen by Subzero and shattered into eleventeen pieces. Very cool, but…

did they really need to throw all the food on the floor?!?! How wasteful! The sole purpose of this island is to host a fighting tournament, they could’ve moved the demonstration to another venue, or at least scheduled for AFTER the feast.

All I can think about is that food had to come from somewhere. Mortal Kombat island has a chef, more likely a whole team of cooks to prepare all that food. If I’ve learned anything from Top Chef is that there’s a lot of hard work and stress that goes into preparing a big meal for a bunch of people like this. That head chef probably put his blood, sweat and tears into this meal. It was probably meticulously planned and executed, and it’s not like this tournament happens every day. This is a super rare event. He’s probably back in the kitchen crossing his fingers hoping the dinner is a success. THEN IT ALL GETS THROWN ON THE FLOOR!

You know off screen there’s a cook going “What the FUCK?” then he throws off his chef hat and says “I’m fucking DONE! I quit! I want off this dumb island!” and storms off. Then later he cries to himself. Of course he doesn’t actually bring it up later to his boss Shang Tsung, because he knows Shang Tsung will just snap his neck and devour his soul. So he just bottles up that resentment and frustration and swallows it. Poor Mortal Kombat chef.

While we’re at it, in the Subzero scene I mentioned before…

^Frozen dude bits.

Dick move Subzero, I’m not impressed. One guy with ice powers freezing a guy who has zero powers is not a fight. Who knows, maybe in a fair fight that guy could’ve kicked your ass. I mean… look at how ripped he is…

Dude is SWOLE! Did he KNOW that Subzero could freeze people? If he did, then doing a flying jump kick at a guy with ice powers was a really dumb move. I take it back, he deserved to die, what a moron.

I could screencap and talk about Mortal Kombat til the cows come home, but then I’d just be like “Whoa… where did these cows come from?” So, I’m just going to wrap this up. Sorry all your food got thrown on the floor Mortal Kombat chef, that sucks. Subzero, c’mon man try to fight fair, don’t be a dick. Incredibly ripped muscley oily shirtless guy, c’mon man, don’t do jump kicks at supernaturally powered ninjas, you’re dead now idiot.

MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! *techno music*

People always say “think outside the box”, but I think that advice is overrated. I do some of my best thinking when I crawl inside a huge refrigerator box that I found in the back of my apartment building next to the dumpster. Every day at 11:11pm I strip completely naked, crawl inside the box, seal it up and just lay inside it and concentrate deeply for several hours. I typically fall asleep after a while, then I wake up and momentarily I’m scared and disoriented because for a fraction of a second I forget I was in a box. Once I realize I’m just in the box in my room and not buried alive in a coffin relief washes over me and I feel really refreshed. I crawl out of the box and write down everything I thought of while inside the box. I’ve come up with my best ideas while inside the box, so don’t knock it til you try it.

*edit: Okay, someone brought to my attention that “think outside the box” is a metaphor and has nothing to do with being in or out of actual boxes when you think. Oh. Okay. Well… I still think you should try thinking butt-naked inside of a large cardboard box, it’s done wonders for me. Doesn’t have to be a refrigerator box, just any box big enough to fit your entire naked body inside of.

*another edit: Okay, someone asked does it HAVE to be naked. Well, I GUESS you could put clothes on, but I think it works best if you’re totally naked and don’t have clothes distracting you. Clothes are super distracting, I can’t be the only one who gets completely naked when they need to really concentrate on something. Of course only in the privacy of my own home though, I’m not some kind of weirdo pervert. Also, make sure your phone is off.

Like most people who have blogs, I like to feel like my year end lists of things I liked matters to anyone besides me. You didn’t ask me what my favorite songs of the year are, but here they are anyway! I threw these up on 8 tracks, click the links to go listen if you want:

Mix #1: Stray’s best of 2011

The songs that came out in 2011 that I could not stop listening to. There are many more of course, but these are the ones still fresh in my mind.

Mix #2: Stray’s best of not technically 2011

These songs did not come out in 2011, but they were in heavy rotation on my ipod all the same.

Top 20 albums of the year

(in no particular order, because it would take me forever to rank them)

Lykke Li - Wounded Rhymes

I have a huge crush on Lykke Li, I thought this was a great follow up album.

Battles - Gloss Drop

I can’t say I love this as much as their previous album, but it’s still Battles, and it’s still brilliant.

Tune Yards - W h o k i l l

One of 2011’s best discovery’s for me. Love love love this band.

Radiohead - King of Limbs

It’s fucking Radiohead. They’re on this list by default because they’re never not awesome.

Friendly Fires - Pala

I wanted to see this band so bad when they came to town but I missed them :( thoroughly enjoyed this album though.

Metronomy - English Riviera

If you ever get a chance to see this band live, GO! One of the best shows I’ve been to in my life. So good. Album was great, kind of a big departure from the previous one, but great in it’s own way.

Baths - Pop Music / False B-Sides

Will Wisenfeld is one of the nicest most talented guys making music. Got a chance to meet him at Amoeba and he was super humble and friendly. Can’t wait to hear more.

Class Actress - Rapprocher

I was instantly hooked on this, really catch synthpop beats and Elizabeth Harper’s voice, mmmmm, delicious. I listen to this at least once a day.

Niki & The Dove - The Drummer

Have been loving everything this lady puts out, and eagerly await a full-length.

St. Vincent - Strange Mercy

I am so ashamed that it took me so long to listen to St Vincent. I’d see her all over blog, and I kind of ignored her because I thought she’d be just another female singer songwriter that was talented by ultimately uninteresting. Boy was I wrong.

Neon Indian - Era Extrana

Neon Indian is growing on me. I still feel like I like select songs more than I like their albums as a whole, but this one I definitely liked better than the last.

Cant - Dreams Come True

Chris Taylor of Grizzly Bear. I’m not ashamed to say that this was some sexy stuff right here.

Com Truise - Galactic Melt

Everybody I know was talking about Com Truise, so I had to check them out. I was not disappointed. You’ve also gotta love that name.

Bon Iver - Bon Iver

I’ve heard a lot of proclaiming smugly that they “don’t get it” or inferring that this is just something the hipsters are into. Whateverrrr. Justin Vernon has a great voice, he’s a great song writer, and his songs have some pretty lush beautiful atmosphere going on. What’s to get?

Various Artists - Drive Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Drive was an awesome movie by my standards, and a huge part of that was the score. “Nightcall” and “Under Your Spell” got so much play on my ipod.

Oh Land - Oh Land

Danish electronic pop and perty vocals. What I like most about this album is how well some of these songs translate to acoustic in performances I’ve watched on youtube. I think it’s a mark of great songwriting when songs work no matter how you play them.

The Lonely Island - Turtleneck & Chain

Okay, I totally fucked up by not putting “Turtleneck & Chain” on one of my mixes, because I could NOT stop listening to that. That song made me want to legit own this exact outfit. Hilarious album.

Childish Gambino - Camp

It took me a while to warm up to Donald Glover the rapper admittedly. A lot of his early mixtapes were just crass bragging about him fucking girls, which I can’t really relate to because I’m not a famous person (yet). But I began to appreciate the vulnerability in a lot of his songs, especially when it comes to not feeling accepted by his peers because he’s black and nerdy. I can definitely relate to that. Also, beats are nice.

Kanye & Jay Z - Watch the Throne/My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Kanye, love or hate the guy I think you have to be a little crazy to deny his talent. Teaming up with Jay-Z was produced some pretty interesting results too.

Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Unknown Mortal Orchestra

I literally only started listening to this like last week, but I’m really enjoying them so far.

Honoroable mentions: These are albums I like so far but haven’t really given a thorough listen to enough to give a strong opinion:

Tapes n’ Tapes - Outside
Bjork - Biophilia
Cloud Nothings - Self-Titled
The Black Keys - El Camino
Joakim - Nothing Gold
Beth Ditto - EP
Destroyer - Kaputt
The Drums - Portamento
Ducktails - Ducktails III: Arcade Dynamics
Girls - Father, Son, Holy Ghost
Explosions in the Sky - Take Care, Take Care, Take Care
James Blake - James Blake
Mogwai - Earth Division
Say Hi - Um, Uh Oh
Cake - Showroom of Compassion
Twin Sister - In Heaven
Young Prisms - Friends for Now
Seefeel - Seefeel

Sorry I did not include Adele, Lady Gaga, Tyler the Creator, Foster the People, Florence & The Machine, or any other big releases this year, I honestly just never got around to listening to them.

Welp, that’s it. The end. BYEEE!

(not the actual guy… but close enough)

Was at a bus stop, middle-aged black man wearing a dirty hoodie with no shirt under, zipped down enough to expose his nappy chest hair, comes up to me…

“What’s up dog? Merry Christmas.” His upper front four teeth are all missing, he gives me a fist bump.“To you too.” I reply. “Ay dog you married?” um, that’s a weird question to ask a stranger I think to myself. “…Nah.” I answer. He looks off into the distance “I just got outta jail dog,” long pause “I need me a WOMAN!” then he walks away. Oooookay, thanks for sharing Mr random ex-con.

Listen up assorted homeless people and fresh out of prison felons, if you ever need someone to confide in, please just find me on a random street corner and pour your heart and soul out, because I care and it is very relevant to me, I will be there to stare awkwardly back at you and hope you go away, it’s the least I can do.

I then watched him holla at every female who walked or drove by. I’m talking about very classy ladies here, moderately attractive young ladies who look like they’re gainfully employed and have things to do, being yelled at by a toothless man on the street “Hey baby! What’s yo name!”

Now, it might be beyond me to say what someone is and isn’t capable of, but it’s just my opinion… nay, my educated guess, that shirtless dirty toothless ex-con hanging out on a street corner yelling is NOT the most appealing man for the average woman (or even sub average woman). I can’t imagine a scenario where one of these attractive well-put-together women is going to go top and go “Mm! Mm! MM! Look at you! Hop in toothless vagrant, momma’s gonna show you a good time tonight!” What I’m saying is maybe try a different tactic, like maybe collect cans until you can rent the services of the cheapest of hookers. If you want a long term solution I suggest wait until you can get your mouth situation looking a little more presentable, then take several showers, then put on clothes not found in a garbage. When you look like an acceptable human being don’t go back to yelling on a street corner though, ladies like it when you’re a little more subtle, dial your volume down to a reasonable level and try a “How do you do?” OR you could lower your standards and find a lovely female crackhead counterpart who has just as few teeth as you do and can appreciate you for what’s on the inside. Whatever you decide to do, good luck, I know it’s tough out there in the dating world. Please don’t rape anyone.

My monitor died. Goodbye old friend, we had some good times. The art making, the porn, the streaming of kung-fu movies on Netflix, the streaming of episodes of tv I missed, some other stuff, mostly porn though, we had a nice thing going on. I should’ve just called you a “porn window” instead of a monitor, because that’s primarily what you were. You will be missed porn window. Until I buy a new better replacement, then I won’t miss you at all obviously.

p.s. I’m sorry I couldn’t remember the date I bought you for the tombstone. I’m bad with dates. Anyway… gonna throw you in the trash now, R.I.P.

p.p.s Hey followers, I’m stuck on my brother’s laptop for the time being, so I won’t be able to post art-stuffs until I buy a new monitor, sorryyy. You’ll live though (probably). If you DO die, R.I.P. to you too.