Nothing good has ever happened to me. No I kid, thank you.
Uhhhh… let me try to think of one that’s rated PG…
Um, ooh I know, MEETING JACKIE CHAN!
It was just totally random, I was standing outside of a book store waiting for my friends who were in line, and then I see Jackie Chan walking by. I live in Los Angeles, I’ve seen a lot of celebrities, and usually it’s not a big deal, but I love the shit out of Jackie Chan, he’s one of my ultimate heroes, I love his movies, I love him, I think he’s just awesome on all levels, so smart and creative and a good person, and just… have I impressed upon you how much I idolize Jackie Chan? I’ve seen almost all of his movies, save for a few old obscure ones I’m still trying to track down. So, seeing Jackie Chan walk by in real life was surreal to me.
I knew instantly it was him, but it took a few seconds for it to sink in and not feel like a dream, and once it did I had to go up to him because this would probably never happen again in my life. So I went up to him, probably looking like a wide-eyed crazy person, and I extended my hand, and he smiled and he shooked my hand vigorously, and I wanted to say something, but I was speechless. It wasn’t like I couldn’t think of anything to say, it was more like, I was thinking of too many things to say at the same time and couldn’t decide on one, so I just shook his hand like a smiling idiot, and he bowed his head, and continued on his way. Drunken Master, Rumble in the Bronx, Wheels on Meals, man… he’s a legend as far as I’m concerned.
So yeah, that was a few years ago and I still can’t get over it.
What? What kind of question is that? "Hey Stray, can you relive your most painful memory to sate my curiosity please?"
I began to type about it, but I don’t think there’s anything to gain from bumming everyone the fuck out on this lovely evening. Shits mad whack son. But uh, thank you for being interested in my personal horrors?
What I take from this is that people love Adventure Time just as much as I do. The most surprising one to me was #4 “Before the lock was invented”. That was just a spur of a moment doodle based on a conversation I had with my friend, it’s not a pop-culture reference or anything, so I was surprised that it got so many notes. It even ended up on the front page of Reddit (with no mention of me however, you suck Reddit). It’s a stupid joke that has many holes in it’s logic (“why not just put the chair against the door?” haha). I’m also surprised that gif of me kamehameha-ing someone to death got so much circulation. Anyway, 459 notes, that’s my score to beat this year, I guess I’m going to have to combine two things even more popular than Star Wars and Adventure Time.
I omitted what is actually the post that has the most notes, because it wasn’t original work. I posted an anti-victim blaming ad from Scotland that I saw on youtube. That post has 2,228 notes! Crazy. I’m glad I helped spread that message to so many people.
This post is brought to you by peer pressure, cause everyone else is sharing year end retrospectives, I gotta do it too. 2011, what can I say about you? I like the double 1’s, it’s a nice look, very svelte, and “twenty eleven” rolls off the tongue quite nicely, so you’ve got those things going for you. Beyond that though… hmmm…
2011 was my first year of Tumblring. February 2011 I decided hey, let’s see what all this “tumblr” jazz is all about. I didn’t really expect much, and I really didn’t understand it at first, but it’s turned out to be a lot of fun, and extremely instrumental in helping me make a living as an artist. It’s been a thrill to post a doodle and then an hour later see that hundreds of people have liked and shared and commented on it, or that it’s tagged by an editor, or have a person that works on Adventure Time compliment my work, it’s all pretty swell. Also, you guys are awesome people. Thanks for being awesome. I hope to make the blog a lot better next year.
And now, here are some 2011 gif memories from my blog:
Yup, those are some things. EXPECT MORE AND BETTER NEXT YEAR!
Yo mamma so fat, everybody be like, “Man, that’s gotta be the fattest person.”
Yo mama so ugly, she was walking down the street and this dog started barking at her. That dog barks at a lot of people, but I could tell that it thought your mom was ugly. Trust me, I’m good at reading animals.
Yo mama so stank, I mean jeez… come ON!
Yo mama so sick, the doctor’s said she doesn’t have much time left. Better pray for a miracle homie.
Yo mama so desperate to be loved, she doesn’t leave your step-dad even though he be whoopin her ass. She need to get outta that relationship.
Yo mama so gay, I mean… not that anything’s wrong with that…
Yo mama so nonexistent, she… wait… who was I just talking about?
Yo mama so stupid, she be eatin eucalyptus leaves up in a tree butt-naked all day. Also she ugly and covered in all that gray fur. “That’s a koala bear” my ass.
Yo mama so ugly, people be like “I don’t know, she looks fine to me.”, but you can tell they’re just being nice.
Yo mama so dumb, people be like “Hey man, lay off his mom Jeff, she’s not dumb, she suffers from dementia.”, man, fuck all that, yo mama dumb as hell.
Yo mama so unremarkable…
Yo mamma so dumb, I told her it was chili outside, and she said “Oh I better grab my coat then.” and I was like “No, I mean the food you dumb bitch.” and she was like “Well in the context of that sentence it seemed like you meant it was cold, plus if you meant chili the food then that sentence was grammatically incorrect, you should’ve said THERE’S chili outside instead of IT’S chili outside, this is very basic English.” maannnnn, yo moms be on that bullshit. I socked her in the head.
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Nobody even offered me a fucking glass so you can all go to hell.
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Stevie Wonder doesn’t even see the glass. I drank half, sshhh, don’t tell him.
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. McGuyver sees the glass half explosive, all he needs is some dental floss, a mousetrap, and a stick of gum.
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. They’re both wrong, it’s more like 1/3rd full.
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. M. Night Shymanalan reveals that both glasses were dead the whole time.
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Optimus sees that the glass is more than meets the eye.
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. So I showed them my penis and asked them if it was half-erect, or half-flaccid. Ladies, where are you going? Come back!
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. I’m so lonely. Why doesn’t anybody love me? :(
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Roger Ebert calls the glass a “tour de force”, “the work of a true glass auteur”. Dave Kehr of the New York Times says “If you see one glass this summer, see this glass!”
Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. “C’mon guys, just drink up.” you say, trying not to let on that you peed in both of their glasses.
…I’m tempted to keep going, but something tells me you’re already tired of this.
So this came in the mail today. It’s not for me, it’s my little brother’s Christmas present. He’s 8 and he’s gotten into Dragon Ball Z Kai, which is awesome to me because he’s only about 2 grades younger than I was when I got into DBZ as a kid, so we bond over it and watch it together and talk about it. His favorite character is Vegeta, he actually does a Vegeta impression that’s pretty good for an 8yr old, haha. A Vegeta toy was the first thing he asked for, for Christmas. I thought no big deal, I got this, action figures aren’t very expensive, I’ll just snag one off Amazon, easy peasy.
Dragonball Z toys are OVER $9,000!!! Well not really, but they’re pretty expensive for toys. To give you an example, most of the articulated toys I saw that were available were around $70, and we’re talking about a 4 inch toy here. If you buy a $70 action figure of a Marvel character or a Power Ranger or something like that, that shit’s going to be like 20 inches tall and come with a shitload of accessories and special strap on guns and armor and shit, haha. So I’m like fuck, I love this kid but that is steep!
My little brother doesn’t get upset when he can’t have a thing, and when he asks for something he usually says “If you can”, and I make a point to never outright promise him anything that I don’t know I can do, I always say “I’ll try”, and he’s always cool with that. He doesn’t shout, he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t pout, just like the Santa song. He’s good for goodness sake! He understands and accepts that he’s not going to get EVERYTHING he wants for Christmas, but I feel like he deserves to at least get the thing he most wants. I finally found one that was about $39 (KirinHobby.com). That’s already way too much for a simple action figure to me, then plus the tax and shipping it rounded out to $52. I’m not going to lie I am a frugal bastard, so it pained me to give up 52 of my hard-earned dollars for something I didn’t perceive to be worth 52. It’s a nice toy, but by average toy standards, a toy of this size, quality, material, etc… it’s a $12, MAYBE $20. But ya know, I had the money, and I convinced myself that I’m not really paying just for a toy, what I’m really getting is my brother’s happiness on Christmas morning. Bought it. THEN like a week later I get an e-mail that the toy is out of stock, and they’re going to have to wait til they get another shipment from the manufacturer, and I’m like “FFFFUUUUCK!” because it might not make it in time for Christmas. Then on Monday they told me they’d got the shipment and would send it out asap, and it just got in today, right on time for Christmas tomorrow. I also got him Goku, and Cell, so he can have some battles. I also got him a PS2 and Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3. So hopefully he’ll be all smiles Christmas morning.
I want to thank everybody who bought my shirts, you made it possible for me to afford to give him a nice Christmas this year.
What’s really important here though… IS ALL THAT BUBBLE WRAP!
"He poppin them fuckin bubbles. Larry I hear you poppin them bubbles!"
Happy Holidays every one. Even if the holidays aren’t generally a happy time for you, or if you don’t celebrate anything in particular, I wish you all happiness and swell times.
A few weeks ago I was in Taco Bell and it was raining really hard. One of the women who worked there was just getting off her shift. Her manager was like “Don’t you have a jacket?” and she told her that she left it in her car, so she’d have to get soaked going across the parking lot to her car. I was there waiting for my food, and I had an umbrella, so I offered to walk her to her car. It was no big deal to me or anything. She accepted and I walked her out to her car, nice thing to do right? Well THIS BITCH had the NERVE to not even offer to have sex with me! Not even hand or mouth sex! She thanked me profusely and that was IT! Ugh, what an ungrateful bitch.
This is why chivalry is dead ladies!
It’s one of my all-time favorite movies. It’s one of those movies I loved when I was a kid, and I can still rewatch today and enjoy. I’ve seen it a gajillion times, and without fail I can’t help but yell “MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT!” along with it. How awesome was Christopher Motherfucking Highlander Lambert as Raiden? All the way awesome, that’s how awesome. Linden Ashby as Luke Cage was also especially cool to me, how did he not become an action star? Maybe not having a weird accent (Damme, Stallone, Schwarzenegger) hindered his career. I don’t know.
If you dislike this movie please just keep it to yourself, it’ll do nothing but put a strain on our internet friendship.
Anyway, even though I love this movie, there’s one scene that ALWAYS drives me crazy.
It’s the first day at Shang Tsung’s mysterious remote island, and a huge feast has been prepared for all the fighters.
People are enjoying the food, wondering what the hell is up with this crazy island and this crazy tournament.
Subzero and a bunch of oily shirtless dudes start filing into the room.
From the other side comes Scorpion and more oily shirtless dudes.
Shang Tsung steps out. “Sup everybody? Enjoying the food? You ready to get this shirt started or what?!” Okay, he doesn’t say that, just some blah blah about the tournament. Then he’s like “Wanna see some cool shit? Check this out!”
Shirtless oily dudes just start shoving everybody around and knocking shit over! Rude!
They flip over all the tables just letting the food spill all over the floor!
This is all to make way for a martial arts demonstration where some poor shirtless oily guy gets frozen by Subzero and shattered into eleventeen pieces. Very cool, but…
did they really need to throw all the food on the floor?!?! How wasteful! The sole purpose of this island is to host a fighting tournament, they could’ve moved the demonstration to another venue, or at least scheduled for AFTER the feast.
All I can think about is that food had to come from somewhere. Mortal Kombat island has a chef, more likely a whole team of cooks to prepare all that food. If I’ve learned anything from Top Chef is that there’s a lot of hard work and stress that goes into preparing a big meal for a bunch of people like this. That head chef probably put his blood, sweat and tears into this meal. It was probably meticulously planned and executed, and it’s not like this tournament happens every day. This is a super rare event. He’s probably back in the kitchen crossing his fingers hoping the dinner is a success. THEN IT ALL GETS THROWN ON THE FLOOR!
You know off screen there’s a cook going “What the FUCK?” then he throws off his chef hat and says “I’m fucking DONE! I quit! I want off this dumb island!” and storms off. Then later he cries to himself. Of course he doesn’t actually bring it up later to his boss Shang Tsung, because he knows Shang Tsung will just snap his neck and devour his soul. So he just bottles up that resentment and frustration and swallows it. Poor Mortal Kombat chef.
While we’re at it, in the Subzero scene I mentioned before…
^Frozen dude bits.
Dick move Subzero, I’m not impressed. One guy with ice powers freezing a guy who has zero powers is not a fight. Who knows, maybe in a fair fight that guy could’ve kicked your ass. I mean… look at how ripped he is…
Dude is SWOLE! Did he KNOW that Subzero could freeze people? If he did, then doing a flying jump kick at a guy with ice powers was a really dumb move. I take it back, he deserved to die, what a moron.
I could screencap and talk about Mortal Kombat til the cows come home, but then I’d just be like “Whoa… where did these cows come from?” So, I’m just going to wrap this up. Sorry all your food got thrown on the floor Mortal Kombat chef, that sucks. Subzero, c’mon man try to fight fair, don’t be a dick. Incredibly ripped muscley oily shirtless guy, c’mon man, don’t do jump kicks at supernaturally powered ninjas, you’re dead now idiot.
People always say "think outside the box", but I think that advice is overrated. I do some of my best thinking when I crawl inside a huge refrigerator box that I found in the back of my apartment building next to the dumpster. Every day at 11:11pm I strip completely naked, crawl inside the box, seal it up and just lay inside it and concentrate deeply for several hours. I typically fall asleep after a while, then I wake up and momentarily I’m scared and disoriented because for a fraction of a second I forget I was in a box. Once I realize I’m just in the box in my room and not buried alive in a coffin relief washes over me and I feel really refreshed. I crawl out of the box and write down everything I thought of while inside the box. I’ve come up with my best ideas while inside the box, so don’t knock it til you try it.
*edit: Okay, someone brought to my attention that “think outside the box” is a metaphor and has nothing to do with being in or out of actual boxes when you think. Oh. Okay. Well… I still think you should try thinking butt-naked inside of a large cardboard box, it’s done wonders for me. Doesn’t have to be a refrigerator box, just any box big enough to fit your entire naked body inside of.
*another edit: Okay, someone asked does it HAVE to be naked. Well, I GUESS you could put clothes on, but I think it works best if you’re totally naked and don’t have clothes distracting you. Clothes are super distracting, I can’t be the only one who gets completely naked when they need to really concentrate on something. Of course only in the privacy of my own home though, I’m not some kind of weirdo pervert. Also, make sure your phone is off.
Like most people who have blogs, I like to feel like my year end lists of things I liked matters to anyone besides me. You didn’t ask me what my favorite songs of the year are, but here they are anyway! I threw these up on 8 tracks, click the links to go listen if you want:
These songs did not come out in 2011, but they were in heavy rotation on my ipod all the same.
Top 20 albums of the year
(in no particular order, because it would take me forever to rank them)
Lykke Li - Wounded Rhymes
I have a huge crush on Lykke Li, I thought this was a great follow up album.
Battles - Gloss Drop
I can’t say I love this as much as their previous album, but it’s still Battles, and it’s still brilliant.
Tune Yards - W h o k i l l
One of 2011’s best discovery’s for me. Love love love this band.
Radiohead - King of Limbs
It’s fucking Radiohead. They’re on this list by default because they’re never not awesome.
Friendly Fires - Pala
I wanted to see this band so bad when they came to town but I missed them :( thoroughly enjoyed this album though.
Metronomy - English Riviera
If you ever get a chance to see this band live, GO! One of the best shows I’ve been to in my life. So good. Album was great, kind of a big departure from the previous one, but great in it’s own way.
Baths - Pop Music / False B-Sides
Will Wisenfeld is one of the nicest most talented guys making music. Got a chance to meet him at Amoeba and he was super humble and friendly. Can’t wait to hear more.
Class Actress - Rapprocher
I was instantly hooked on this, really catch synthpop beats and Elizabeth Harper’s voice, mmmmm, delicious. I listen to this at least once a day.
Niki & The Dove - The Drummer
Have been loving everything this lady puts out, and eagerly await a full-length.
St. Vincent - Strange Mercy
I am so ashamed that it took me so long to listen to St Vincent. I’d see her all over blog, and I kind of ignored her because I thought she’d be just another female singer songwriter that was talented by ultimately uninteresting. Boy was I wrong.
Neon Indian - Era Extrana
Neon Indian is growing on me. I still feel like I like select songs more than I like their albums as a whole, but this one I definitely liked better than the last.
Cant - Dreams Come True
Chris Taylor of Grizzly Bear. I’m not ashamed to say that this was some sexy stuff right here.
Com Truise - Galactic Melt
Everybody I know was talking about Com Truise, so I had to check them out. I was not disappointed. You’ve also gotta love that name.
Bon Iver - Bon Iver
I’ve heard a lot of proclaiming smugly that they “don’t get it” or inferring that this is just something the hipsters are into. Whateverrrr. Justin Vernon has a great voice, he’s a great song writer, and his songs have some pretty lush beautiful atmosphere going on. What’s to get?
Various Artists - Drive Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Drive was an awesome movie by my standards, and a huge part of that was the score. “Nightcall” and “Under Your Spell” got so much play on my ipod.
Oh Land - Oh Land
Danish electronic pop and perty vocals. What I like most about this album is how well some of these songs translate to acoustic in performances I’ve watched on youtube. I think it’s a mark of great songwriting when songs work no matter how you play them.
The Lonely Island - Turtleneck & Chain
Okay, I totally fucked up by not putting “Turtleneck & Chain” on one of my mixes, because I could NOT stop listening to that. That song made me want to legit own this exact outfit. Hilarious album.
Childish Gambino - Camp
It took me a while to warm up to Donald Glover the rapper admittedly. A lot of his early mixtapes were just crass bragging about him fucking girls, which I can’t really relate to because I’m not a famous person (yet). But I began to appreciate the vulnerability in a lot of his songs, especially when it comes to not feeling accepted by his peers because he’s black and nerdy. I can definitely relate to that. Also, beats are nice.
Kanye & Jay Z - Watch the Throne/My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Kanye, love or hate the guy I think you have to be a little crazy to deny his talent. Teaming up with Jay-Z was produced some pretty interesting results too.
I literally only started listening to this like last week, but I’m really enjoying them so far.
Honoroable mentions: These are albums I like so far but haven’t really given a thorough listen to enough to give a strong opinion:
Tapes n’ Tapes - Outside Bjork - Biophilia Cloud Nothings - Self-Titled The Black Keys - El Camino Joakim - Nothing Gold Beth Ditto - EP Destroyer - Kaputt The Drums - Portamento Ducktails - Ducktails III: Arcade Dynamics Girls - Father, Son, Holy Ghost Explosions in the Sky - Take Care, Take Care, Take Care James Blake - James Blake Mogwai - Earth Division Say Hi - Um, Uh Oh Cake - Showroom of Compassion Twin Sister - In Heaven Young Prisms - Friends for Now Seefeel - Seefeel
Sorry I did not include Adele, Lady Gaga, Tyler the Creator, Foster the People, Florence & The Machine, or any other big releases this year, I honestly just never got around to listening to them.
Was at a bus stop, middle-aged black man wearing a dirty hoodie with no shirt under, zipped down enough to expose his nappy chest hair, comes up to me…
"What’s up dog? Merry Christmas." His upper front four teeth are all missing, he gives me a fist bump."To you too." I reply. "Ay dog you married?" um, that’s a weird question to ask a stranger I think to myself. "…Nah." I answer. He looks off into the distance "I just got outta jail dog," long pause "I need me a WOMAN!" then he walks away. Oooookay, thanks for sharing Mr random ex-con.
Listen up assorted homeless people and fresh out of prison felons, if you ever need someone to confide in, please just find me on a random street corner and pour your heart and soul out, because I care and it is very relevant to me, I will be there to stare awkwardly back at you and hope you go away, it’s the least I can do.
I then watched him holla at every female who walked or drove by. I’m talking about very classy ladies here, moderately attractive young ladies who look like they’re gainfully employed and have things to do, being yelled at by a toothless man on the street "Hey baby! What’s yo name!"
Now, it might be beyond me to say what someone is and isn’t capable of, but it’s just my opinion… nay, my educated guess, that shirtless dirty toothless ex-con hanging out on a street corner yelling is NOT the most appealing man for the average woman (or even sub average woman). I can’t imagine a scenario where one of these attractive well-put-together women is going to go top and go "Mm! Mm! MM! Look at you! Hop in toothless vagrant, momma’s gonna show you a good time tonight!" What I’m saying is maybe try a different tactic, like maybe collect cans until you can rent the services of the cheapest of hookers. If you want a long term solution I suggest wait until you can get your mouth situation looking a little more presentable, then take several showers, then put on clothes not found in a garbage. When you look like an acceptable human being don’t go back to yelling on a street corner though, ladies like it when you’re a little more subtle, dial your volume down to a reasonable level and try a “How do you do?” OR you could lower your standards and find a lovely female crackhead counterpart who has just as few teeth as you do and can appreciate you for what’s on the inside. Whatever you decide to do, good luck, I know it’s tough out there in the dating world. Please don’t rape anyone.
My monitor died. Goodbye old friend, we had some good times. The art making, the porn, the streaming of kung-fu movies on Netflix, the streaming of episodes of tv I missed, some other stuff, mostly porn though, we had a nice thing going on. I should’ve just called you a “porn window” instead of a monitor, because that’s primarily what you were. You will be missed porn window. Until I buy a new better replacement, then I won’t miss you at all obviously.
p.s. I’m sorry I couldn’t remember the date I bought you for the tombstone. I’m bad with dates. Anyway… gonna throw you in the trash now, R.I.P.
p.p.s Hey followers, I’m stuck on my brother’s laptop for the time being, so I won’t be able to post art-stuffs until I buy a new monitor, sorryyy. You’ll live though (probably). If you DO die, R.I.P. to you too.
One time someone left me a nasty comment on deviantart, here is the direct quote:
"what you have is junk Ive seen better atother one.Ha Ha Ha."
Yes, “atother”. In all honesty I wasn’t bothered by this, I just found it kinda funny and weird. People are odd on the internet. Typically in real life you don’t go up to complete strangers who you’ve never interacted with and know nothing about and just insult them to their face and laugh, haha. People wouldn’t just think you were a dick, they’d think you had some form of mild autism or something, because that kind of behavior is just completely socially retarded.
Of course I had to check out this person’s profile out of curiosity, and what I found was verrrry interesting. A favorites gallery full of this:
Hey… no judgement, everybody has their weird little fetish. I’m not afraid to admit that I have a naked lady fetish, that’s my weird little sexual quirk, something about attractive physically fit naked ladies just gets me hot under the collar. But for some reason I found it really hilarious that this guy who just LOVES impractically obese pinups had went out of his way to tell me my art was junk. I can’t help but think my lack of humongous ladies had soured his opinion of me.
I could’ve easily retaliated and insulted him for his poor spelling and grammar, and tried to make him feel weird about being obsessed with giant lumpy chicks, but no, I do not try to return meanness with more meanness as a general rule. I replied with this:
"Let’s say that it’s true my work is junk (which I wouldn’t even necessarily disagree with), okay, what of it? I never claim to be the best or even particularly good at what I do. I always do my best, I’m committed to improving, I have fun doing it, and enough people seem to enjoy it. I’m encouraging and supportive of other artists. I’m never ever mean to anyone artist or not unprovoked. So, I’m wondering, what exactly do you or I gain from you telling me my work is junk? I promise you it’s not going to make me feel bad or change anything I do. If you’ve gained something from attempting to insult me, good for you. I’m not mad though, I hope you have a nice day."
He quickly apologized. So yeah… that happened once. I only remembered because I saw some fat people art on my dashboard.
Cool dudes. I’m not hatin. Somebody’s gotta love freakishly obese women.
"Give up all you suckaz, we the tightest muthafuckaz, and you neva seen this type-uh shit before now. You peelin potataz while we sonic alligataz makin records sellin like we smokin crack now." -Hot Chip (Keep Fallin’) some of my favorite lyrics ever.
If I had more energy I’d have done a couple inbetweens to make this all smooth-like, but ahhhhhh shut up.
I have an idea for a show starring me on the Food Network. It’d be called:
"I’m Not Eating That w/Stray"
I’d go to places here and abroad to try exotic foods, and they’d put a plate of food in front of me and I’d be like “Okay, so what is this?” and they’d be like “It’s a soup made with the rectums of the Colombian Caqueta Titi Monkey.” and I’d be like “So, what you’re telling me… is this is monkey butthole soup?? A soup of buttholes? Of monkeys?” “Yes… in our culture it’s considered a delica-” “Yeah. Yeah-yeah-yeah, I’m not eating that.” “It’s considered rude to refuse a-” “Well consider it fucking rude then cause I’m not eating a bowl of monkey buttholes! That’s just all there is to it, I’m sorry.” and I leave. Each episode ends with me sitting in somewhere like In-N-Out with a double double.
You can keep your monkey butthole soup Colombians*, THIS is food.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man how to sell fish and he creates a successful seafood conglomerate that sells frozen seafood for the U.S. retail market. Yup, you guessed it, that man is Gorton’s fisherman. He’s a multi-millionaire now, and where are you? Still wandering around trying to teach random strangers how to fish? Get your life together man.
This movie was a real bummer to me when I was a kid, and it’s only even more of a bummer now that I’m an adult. If you haven’t seen it before, Tim Allen plays some cynical advertising guy (why do guys in kid/holiday movies always have to be in advertising?) and he sees Santa on his roof one day, and he shouts at him “Hey you!” which startles Santa and he falls off the roof and dies. Grim. Santa’s body disappears, leaving nothing but the suit behind, and of course his sleigh and reindeer. Tim Allen’s character’s son persuades him to put on the suit and finish delivering the toys. The last stop is the north pole, where Tim Allen is met by elves, and the head elf tells him that since he’s put on the suit there is a “Santa clause” that states he HAS to become the new Santa. Tim Allen is like fuck that noise son, but he has no choice, he slowly starts to physically transform into a big fat old guy over the next 11 months leading up to the next Christmas.
This is all played for comedy of course, but imagine how fucking horrible it would be if you were still in your prime, more or less in shape, and then suddenly you nearly doubled in weight and all your hair turned white. That’s so creepy and weird and gross! What would’ve happened if a woman put on the Santa suit?? Would her vagina seal up and a penis start to grow?? If a black guy put it on would his skin start to change pigment ?? Or would the suit somehow reject it’s host because it can only bond with a white male? I mean… this is some really uncool magic.
(this guy could theoretically be the new Santa following the film’s rules)
I have a problem with the logic of this fictional magic clause too. ANYONE who puts on this suit becomes Santa? Is that really a good idea? Shouldn’t there be some screening process for the guy who’s going to fly around the world and invade everyone’s house? You can’t just say any random person who finds a dead Santa and puts on the suit has to be Santa! They could be a pedophile for all you know, and now they have ACCESS TO EVERY CHILD IN THE WORLD AND THE PERFECT WAY TO LURE THEM AWAY!
If the most likely way to get the suit is from a dead Santa body, wouldn’t it stand to reason that it’s possible, if not highly likely, that the person putting on the suit might have MURDERED SANTA? Some meth dealer or alcoholic sees Santa in his house and shoots him in the face, now that guy can put on the suit and just become Santa? They did NOT think this clause out very well.
What bums me out the most about this movie is at the end of it he has to accept this fate of being Santa Claus. I guess he learns some kind of lesson that makes him a better person, and maybe he’s happy being Santa, but still, even as a kid I was like wait… so this man has to give up his life and everything he knows because of some made up law he didn’t even know about, and go live in the North Pole and do a job he didn’t even want, and start transforming into an old fat guy every year once Christmas is coming? That. Is. HORRIBLE! His whole life is changed against his will! How is that a happy ending?! Yikes! You better believe if I see a dead Santa I’m just going to look the other way like it didn’t happen. Sorry dead Santa.
Screw you, asshole. I've got thirteen buckaroos set aside specifically to make a purchase from your collection of tees. But alas, they're all TOO DAMN FANTASTIC to choose just one out of the lot. Thanks for mucking everything up, jerk. You've just made yourself an enemy. P.S. Go burn the roof of your mouth on something delicious like pizza, you turd.
Hold your horses lady! Matter of fact, tie those horses up, horses are very strong creatures and I doubt your scrawny arms would do much to restrain them. Tie those maniac horses up at once!
Now, I’m sorry for this dilemma you are in because of my awesomeness, I truly am, please try not to hold it against me though. If I may offer some potential solutions to your problem:
a) Set aside more buckaroos and just buy all of them, I’ll tell you right now, I think this is the best solution.
b) If you find them to truly all be equal you can’t go wrong with doing a random drawing.
c) Just buy this one:
Why this one? Because nobody has bought it yet. Wouldn’t you like to be the first person in the entire world to own something? The prestige! Man, now that I’ve mentioned it you better buy it quick before someone tries to beat you to it!
d) I adore you. That’s not technically an option, just something you should know. Too bad we’re now mortal enemies and I will have to fight you to the death. May the best man win! And I’m the only man between the two of us so I guess that’s me! Victory!
I’m sure for the past couple of days you’ve been bawling your eyes out sick with grief and worry, “Where is Stray? I didn’t realize how much he meant to my tumblr dashboard until he was gone! My life has been torn asunder!” Well friends, first of all, yeesh… pull yourself together, there’s no need for the histrionics. Second of all, I commend you for your use of the phrase “torn asunder”, people don’t say that enough, well played.
Long story short tumblr, I was abducted by aliens. That’s where I’ve been the past few days. On a spaceship, being studied by aliens.
I know I know… crazy. Totally true though, I was laying in bed, trying to get some sleep and visitors from another planet came and abducted me. I know, rude right? If there are any aliens reading this blog, look aliens, I don’t know how you do things on your planet, but here on earth it’s considered VERY poor manners to show up to someone’s home unannounced and take them somewhere without their consent. Super rude. In fact, we have human laws against that sorta thing. So, just know that it’s not cool to us. I recommend you revamp your whole abduction thing, it’s totally uncalled for, I’m certain there are plenty people whom if you simply asked would be TOTALLY into joining you in space for a few days provided you gave them a heads up so they could clear their calendar and make sure they were fully clothed when you showed up. You whisked me away in the middle of the night, while I was in bed in my t-shirt and boxers because that’s what I sleep in. FYI it’s not a human custom to be outside of our homes for several days, or like… any amount of time at all, in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers. I know you can’t grasp this because you’re race has either never worn clothes or has transcended them and you live your lives naked, but we humans for the most part prefer having clothes on the majority of our day. This is just some food for thought aliens, in case you’re reading, and in case you care at all about not being dicks. Your process could be a lot more human-friendly.
Anyway, back to you, tumblr. I obviously couldn’t update my tumblr while I was aboard the alien spacecraft, so sorry for the momentary dearth of posts. Alien abductions, what can ya do? Now that I’ve told you about my alien encounter I feel I need to address the elephant in the room. You hear “alien abduction” and I know you’re all wondering the same thing… “Jeff, did these aliens probe your butthole, perchance?” NO! They did NOT. OKAY? No matter how much I begged, they wouldn’t do it. Oh well. What did the aliens do to me? Well, it was more like market research, I was asked to try different things and give them feedback, I can’t really talk about it though.
So… uh, I’m back! Get ready have your buttholes torn asunder by relentless tumblring! Your figurative buttholes that is! Before you ask, no, I don’t know what a figurative butthole is, it just sounded like the right thing to say, and I apologize if I’ve offended you by referring to my own butthole, your butthole, and just saying the word butthole too many times. I realize I have a problem. I’ve typed too many words and should just shut up now.
I got up today and the first thing I saw in my facebook feed when I logged on, was that comedian Patrice O’Neal had died.
My response was “WHAAAAAT?!” I love Patrice, and not in that retrospective now that he’s dead I realize I appreciate him kind of way. I’m a huge huge fan of stand-up comedy, and Patrice O’Neal was without a doubt in at least my top 5 favorite stand-ups. Louis CK, Paul F Tompkins, Dave Chappelle, Patrice O’Neal, and Zack Galifianakis I’d say are my top 5. So yeah, it depressed me so much to hear of his passing simply because that meant there will never be any new Patrice material for me to enjoy.
One thing I loved about Patrice that he was incredibly real, he some times said things that I really didn’t agree with, but at least he was being honest, and more importantly being incredibly funny about it. Even in the context of the comedy world, where comedians are known for be honest and candid, I feel he was more so than most. One of my favorite moments of his was recently at the Charlie Sheen roast, I was watching it thinking it was kind of odd that every time the comedians got to Patrice the majority of their jokes were just about black stereotypes. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with humor about race (most of Patrice’s act is about it afterall), but the jokes directed at everyone else seemed to be about specific things about them and their career, ya know? I don’t think that made them bad people, or racist people, just not very creative people. I thought it was so awesome that when Patrice went up, he decided to go off script and address how mean-spirited and racist some of the jokes were. He was just up there talking and being honest and himself, and in my opinion being 10x funnier than anyone who had went up there with prepared jokes. There are a lot of funny comedians, but I think only the very best can be hilarious while giving you their honest unscripted point of view.
I watched an exit interview after the roast where he says he didn’t even write jokes about some of the other roasters because he didn’t know them and didn’t feel like it was right to google them just to write some mean stuff about someone he didn’t even know. I think that spoke to his character a lot, because obviously none of the other comedians had any problem with that and considered everyone fair game. I don’t think the other comedians are wrong in that, because that’s the nature of those things, but I think it’s cool that Patrice had his own idea of what is right or wrong, or what is fair or not, and went into a roast thinking he didn’t need to be mean to people he didn’t know.
So yeah, I had a lot of love and respect for him, thought he was criminally underrated, and it’s really sad to see him go so young and so talented.
Patrice O’Neal, I just know you’re up there in heaven making God really uncomfortable with your tell-it-like-it-is brand of humor. R.I.P.
I suddenly have the urge to buy a puppet. Maybe it’s because all of this Muppet stuff I’m seeing lately. But I imagine it being super fun to have a puppet. I made this muppet version of me a while back…
I think it’d be pretty sweet to have it made. I actually looked into it and apparently puppets are expensive as shit to have custom made though. Like hundreds of dollars, these puppet makers are NOT playing around. But then again I didn’t look that hard, I just looked at one site that had prices from $600+ and I was like okay nevermind. I mean, I’m not trying to be Jeff Dunham or anything, I don’t need a 600 dollar puppet.
…I’m just going to make a lunchbag puppet like the old days.