Every time I reach a follower benchmark I like to reintroduce myself, so I’m gonna do that right now, are you ready? Okay here goes! Weeeee!
HI! I’m Stray! If I had to describe myself in three words they’d be “badass”, “heartthrob”, and “delusional”. I am a human man who lives in Los Angeles,I’m a freelance drawer of things that end up on t-shirts, and I am married to a beautiful loving George Foreman grill that makes me many grilled cheese sandwiches. Some times I put garlic spread on my grilled cheese sandwiches instead of butter. It’s dope, you should try it.
This is what I look like:
Before you laugh, please know that I have a serious condition that makes my face look like this. It’s called being a dummy who likes to make dumb faces all the time. This has afflicted me ever since I was a young child. “Young child” is pretty redundant isn’t it?
My favorite cancelled tv shows of the past 5 years are The Life & Times of Tim, Spectacular Spider-Man, Jon Benjamin has a Van, Players, Onion Sports Dome, and Sym-Bionic Titan among others.
Some regular and recurring features of my blog are
Daily Confession, which isn’t so much of a confession as it is just me saying whatever’s on my mind
I have this problem with allowing my self esteem get the best of me. Got any advice on how to get over it? P.S. Your anon advice picture is the best. :D
First of all, be glad that you have self-esteem issues, because that’s a normal part of being a human being. If you could completely turn that off and have zero self-doubt, then you’d be some weird sociopath who nobody likes (and who secretly murders blonde prostitutes and keeps locks of their hair… or something scary like that).
Secondly, if you feel flawed or imperfect, then you fit right in with the rest of, because nobody is perfect, except Robert Downey Jr. So don’t worry about it, we all fall short of RDJ’s glory in our own ways.
Thirdly, fake confidence. It’s easy, and fun. All the things that you don’t like about yourself, just pretend like the opposite of those things is true. I tell myself I’m beautiful and intelligent all the time, and I’m almost starting to believe it!
Fourthly, don’t forget about all the positive things about yourself.
Fifthly, surround yourself with people who think you’re awesome.
Uhhhhh… yeah, that’s all I got for now. Good luck!
Hi! So I moved to a new neighborhood and I only know one person who's a guy and we dont really know each other we kinda just know of each other and we don't really talk but I get bored and lonely and I want someone to hang out with... In other words... I'm a loner on my street! Please help!
Uh… go talk to that dude? He’ll probably be your friend.
Dear Stray, I'm going to meet my girlfriend's parents soon, what are some tips for impressing them (especially her father) and not making an ass of myself? -Scared Boy
Dear future son-in-law,
1. Be polite and courteous at all times
2. Give her father a firm handshake, men like that. Don’t overdo it though, if you overcompensate you’ll just come off like some douche with something to prove
3. Lie about everything. It’s good to lie. Unemployed? Wrong! You’re an accounts executive… whatever that means. Ask her dad what sports team he likes, immediately say you love that sports team too! He asks you where you’re accounts executive for, tell him for NASA. Super impressive.
4. Don’t take a dump in their restroom.
5. If you’re sleeping over make sure you have really loud sex with their daughter, that way they know that you will be able to satisfy her and that they will also have grandkids soon.
6. Tell them you fought in the war before you came home to become an accounts executive for NASA. When they ask which war, say “All of them.” Don’t forget to mention you earned a purple heart, and that while your left arm may look very lifelike it is actually a robot arm with a very realistic flesh covering.
7. Before you go on this trip, learn to be fluent in dog or cat, in case they have either, you can talk to them. Win over the pets, win over the parents. Rule of thumb.
8. If the father grows suspicious of your lies and starts to ask too many questions you can’t answer, rip your shirt off and wrestle him.
9. Tell them that aliens are real and you’ve talked to them at your NASA job, it’s highly classified, but you feel comfortable telling them because you trust them so much.
10. Did I mention don’t take a dump in their bathroom? You don’t want to stink up another man’s bathroom, sets a bad impression.
That phrase is just downright RUDE! I mean come on, horses don’t even know what the hell is going on. Dudes just climb on top of them and start yelling “Yah yah!” and the horses are like “Oh… shit… okay, uh I guess I have to take this human places now, fuck what I wanna do with my life. Ow! What’s on this guys fucking shoes?? OW! OKAY! I’m running! Fuck!”
Then if something happens to them, like say they get a broken leg, the human is like “I’m not gonna let you suffer.” and the horse is like “Whooaa whatareyoudoingwiththatGUN!? Don’t kill me dude! It’s just a broken leg! It’s not that bad, just get me to a horse doctor! God you’re just going to shoot me in the face out here cause I broke my leg?? This is so messed up!” HORSE LIFE! It ain’t easy!
Horses are the most laid back beasts of burden, be thankful that they’re super chill about letting us get on their backs, because if they wanted to they could just stomp us to death, so cut them some slack. Don’t go swearing at them just because the human that rode in on top of them happened to be an asshole. Not the horse’s fault dude. Not the horse’s fault.
Would you rather have access to a potion that made you irresistible to women, or a cloak that made you invisible?
So in this hypothetical situation I’m not already intrinsically irresistible as I am now? Interesting.
Well, the idea of love potions seem pretty rapey to me. I’m going to use some sort of liquid to subvert someone’s will so that they like me even if they normally wouldn’t? Anything that happens between this hypothetical woman and I while she’s under the influence of this magic fluid is in effect against her will. Sooo… that’s the creepiest use of magic I can think of.
Invisibility cloak on the other hand, obviously that shit’s baller. I’d haunt people’s houses. How many people get the chance to haunt people BEFORE they die?
One time I was coming out of a 7-11 and noticed a crumpled empty little bottle of Extenze laying on the ground. If you ever stayed up late watching Comedy Central until it switched to infomercials then you know Extenze are pills for that “certain part of the male anatomy” as they like to put it, and now it comes in a liquid form that you can buy at the counter at 7-11.
So, someone went into 7-11, bought Extenze, drank it IMMEDIATELY and discarded the bottle on the ground. To me there is only one likely explanation for this… someone had a BONER EMERGENCY.
"Not a moment to waste!" he probably exclaimed the second before he gulped down that Extenze mid stride and flung the bottle behind him as he barreled through double doors. He hopped into his vehicle and flew out of the parking lot with his foot on the gas weaving erratically through traffic all the while muttering to himself "C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, C’MON GODDAMIT!" one hand on the steering wheel, the other hand… elsewhere.
Did he get his so desired boner? Was it too late by time he got it? I guess we’ll never know.
To be honest, it's a constant struggle to talk to my boyfriend. I feel so dumb for writing this at all, let alone to someone I don't know. But I feel like we're always on different wavelengths and it's really hard for me to read him sometimes. We've been dating for a year and a half... I'm positive that I love him and want to be with him but sometimes it's a downer for me when I have to constantly guess what's going on in his head. I don't know how to handle this because it bugs me THAT much
Dear madaam or sir,
I tend to think like a robot when it comes to relationship troubles, in my mind there are only 3 viable options to any romantic conflict:
1) Learn to live with it and stay with the person
2) Refuse to live with it and leave the person
3) Communicate with the person and come up with a resolution or compromise
Obviously it all depends on what the problem is, how much you care about the person, and what you are and aren’t willing to personally tolerate. 3 tends to be where you ideally want to start if you care about preserving the relationship. If 3 doesn’t work you gave it your best effort and have to choose between either 1 or 2.
Have you expressed this to him the way you’ve expressed it to me? I think you really need to let him know how important it is for the future of your relationship that this be resolved. “Hey dude, this is bothering me so much that I’m anonymously asking for advice on tumblr from a guy who mainly just makes jokes. This is serious business.”
It’s funny how long it can take people to figure each other out. You guys have been together for a year and a half, and still TALKING is a big problem. Humans are funny.
I don’t know though, this is too vague for me to really be able to break it down. I don’t know what kind of dude he is, or how receptive he’ll be to you expressing your feelings about this. In a perfect world you can sit him down, and talk to him in a way that doesn’t make him defensive, and he in turn demonstrates that he cares and is willing to make some sort of effort to make sure you’re happy with him. But I know it doesn’t always pan out like that. So… good luck!
If it doesn’t work out I know a dude that is way easy to talk to ;)
Dear Stray, this boy I like finally asked me out, and I was all excited, then I discovered that he's terrible at making out :( what do I do?
Dear madaam or sir,
It’s quite simple, just tell them what you do and do not like. What to do less of, what to do more of, etc. Say “Hey guy, ease up on the tongue, and also stop inhaling so hard when our mouths connect, it’s like you’re trying to suck my soul out or something. That other thing you were doing with the lips though, that was ace, more of that. Alright let’s get back in the game.”
Experimettle suggested “something your parents did to embarrass you”, so here’s this:
It was picture day at school in the 2nd or 3rd grade and my mom felt I needed a haircut, something my dad usually did, but my mom and dad were splitsky at this point, so my mom decided she would do it herself. When my dad gave me haircuts he pretty much cut my hair down to near bald, or gave me a fade, my mom however decided she wanted to get more creative than that and gave some weird ass House Party style hairdo that I was NOT into, and on top of that put me in some huge gold turtle neck sweater deal that I was also not feeling very much. I hated how I looked, but my mom tried to convince me that I looked really handsome. I didn’t really believe her, but I didn’t press the issue, it wasn’t my way.
I can’t even remember if anybody made fun of me or not, I just remember feeling like I looked like an idiot and wanting to go home. Luckily the look did not last long, my mom didn’t want me to be bummed out any longer and called my dad and he came and cut it all off after school, I recall him having a good laugh about it though, haha.
I don’t know if I captured the look accurately, I’m working off memory, but somewhere a photo of it exists. I’m definitely not going to go looking for it though.
*edit: For people who may be too young to know what “House Party” is, it was a series of movies in the 90’s starring Kid & Play
I really love reading books, but I find that I’m less likely to read a hit book like Hunger Games or Harry Potter or etc, not because I have anything against them, but just because I enjoy the activity of going to my local library and browsing the shelves, seeing what titles or covers jump out at me, reading the inside flaps, and just taking a chance on something I’ve heard nothing about. It feels like much more of an adventure that way, as opposed to “Everyone’s talking about this book, so I should read it.” It’s not a hard fast rule or anything, if something piques my interest I’ll read it whether it’s popular or not, but I just really like the book hunt. I’m a library rat. Ever since I was in elementary school I used to love bringing stacks of random books home from the library. Also, when I’m reading a book that’s a little obscure, I kinda like the feeling that I’m giving a lesser known author a well-deserved chance for all the hard work that went into not only writing a book but getting it out into the world.
I enjoy discovering books on my own basically, it’s half the fun of reading for me. It’s like my version of fishing I guess.
This one time I was on a date (a rare occurence), and we were just sitting on a bench chattin, and I was eating these white chocolate pretzel things, and I was thoroughly enjoying them, she was kinda just sitting there quietly. Then I was about to say something along the lines of “Hey, I don’t really like pretzels but these are pretty good.” but she interrupted me with a kiss, and it was kinda weird and awkward, ideally I don’t want to be kissed when my mouth is open and I have food in it, but on the other hand, hey a girl decided to kiss me I shouldn’t complain. For a moment though I didn’t know what to do, do I finish chewing these goodies, or do I return her advances? So for this indecisive moment she had her lips on my open crummy pretzel filled mouth. Then a jaguar appeared out of nowhere and mauled her to death. I spend every day cursing fate now. WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME JAGUAR!? WHY? *weeps*
R.I.P. that girl.
…okay so maybe I embellished that story a little bit, it was getting kinda boring towards the end.
Man pulls a gun to your head and says "Today's your lucky day! You get to have sex with two chicks at once! The only catch is that both their ages have to add up to 18." WHAT AGES DO YOU CHOOSE!?
I’d choose 21, and -3. And while he’s scratching his head trying to figure out how I’m going to have sex with a chick that hasn’t even been conceived yet, I take the gun out of his hand and say “Today’s YOUR lucky day now!” then I shoot his penis off, then I say “Well, I guess it’s not so lucky when you really think about it. So… when’s this 21yr old chick showing up?”
So I just walked to the store, and these 2 girls and a guy come into the store, already looking at me. And one of the girls is like “Is your name TB?” and I’m like “Nope.” and the guy is like “Is your name Tim?” and I’m like “My name’s Jeff.” and one of the girls like squeals at the top of her lungs, and the dude is like “TOLD YOU!” to the other girl, and they’re all laughing and stuff. I don’t know what to do so I just go about my business. Purchase my goods. Then as I’m leaving one of the girls is like “Alright Jeff… I stay on 64th…” and I’m like “Heh heh-okay.” and the guy laughs at her, and I leave.
If I can be said to have a “guilty pleasure”, it would be dance movies. I won’t go out of my way to watch them, but if I’m flipping channels and I see Step Up 2 The Streets I’lll be like sure, why not. They are typically not very good movies, but the dancing is fun to watch, and more than that though I love how absurdly serious they tend to be, it cracks me up. I mean, they shot Chris Brown in Stomp the Yard because he danced too good. I’ve seen some live dance battling, and from what I could tell everybody got along and didn’t take it so seriously that they wanted beat each other up.
So when I saw a trailer for a dance movie with little kids, I figured surely this is going to be a lot more fun and lighthearted given that these are just children here. WRONG! Apparently the world of child dancing is just as brutal! These kids are punching each other in the face and shit!
Granted a movie needs some conflict and drama, but I feel like turning dance crews into violent aggressive thugs is a little contrived. Why is THAT the go to thing? Part of me feels like maybe there’s like a subconscious racial undertone there (of course these people indulging in this art form that comes from “the streets” would be violent territorial animals). I don’t know. It’s stupid, but I will definitely watch this movie when it’s on cable one weekend and I have nothing better to do.
Went to my niece’s 1st birthday party today. Her name is Rain (like that wet stuff that comes out of the sky some times), she’s adorable and we get along real swell. I love being around kids, but I’m not at all eager for the responsibility to have any of my own, so being an uncle suits me really well I think.
There were a million kids there. Any time there is a function with a lot of kids I end up spending more time with the kids than the adults. I just feel awkward around other adults, even family… especially family, haha. But kids are alright, they’re fun. When I don’t have a kid to hang out with I just end up walking around or just sitting off to the side somewhere sipping Shasta Cola, because I have no idea what to talk to grown ups about. I don’t think “Did you catch Young Justice.” this morning is going to be a good conversation starter.
Family gatherings are kind of weird when you have virtually nothing in common with your family. But anyway, I love that baby, she’s an awesome baby. I ate way too much barbecue, chips, and 7 layer dip, so I’m just going to watch that Young Justice I missed this morning.
While the rest of the human race DREAMS of being able to fly, to me it seems like a nightmare. The idea of being up in the sky unsupported sounds terrifying to me and I’m pretty sure I’d end up flailing and screaming.
Related: I’m also afraid of heights, rollercoasters, and swimming.