So, I’ll be 29 on Friday. When people find out my age they’re usually like “Whaat? I thought you were like… 19!”

Here’s what I looked like when I was actually 19 ten years ago:

Sorry about how dumb this picture looks (I can’t find another one), back then I had to wait til I got my disposable camera pictures back from Rite-Aid to see if they looked stupid or not (they did), as opposed to now where I have the luxury of a digital camera where I can take and delete a hundred pictures of myself until I get one that doesn’t make me totally hate my face.

This is what I look like now, today:

Half of my face cropped off and making a puppy dog face for consistency. I guess I look basically the same age as 10 years ago. Maybe 30% more sexy though, at least. Sadly, my facial hair has not surpassed slight cheek and chin fuzz. I thought I’d have a full glorious mustache and beard by now, oh well :( Also, I have not gained or lost a pound since then, I’m still 140lbs on the dot. I might be immortal?

I feel very weird about approaching 30. In my head 30 is the age where people think you should have your shit together, and my shit is all over the place so-to-speak. So I guess have about another year left to wrangle all this shit into one pile of togetherness, haha. Woo boy.

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I usually make some variation of this face a lot when I’m thinking, and apparently to other people I look sad or bothered or something, because I’m always getting “Are you okay?” or “What’s wrong?” I gotta practice not furrowing my brow when I’m thinking.

I’m usually just thinking about writing a letter to my favorite cookie company telling them they should make a new peanut butter cookie with chocolate chips in it.

I’m not a crybaby. I’m a cryMAN!

THIS IS A REAL THING! THIS IS A REAL THING THAT TAKES ITSELF SERIOUSLY! SEE FOR YOURSELF: http://www.foreskinman.com/index.htm

It’s a comic by people who are anti-circumcision, who think it’s a brutal and needless mutilation. The titular character Foreskin Man goes around preventing circumcisions.

Now look, I’m not going to get into whether circumcision is right or wrong, and please don’t tell me how you feel about it because I truly don’t care and won’t respond to it. I just want to talk about how crazy this comic is.

Miles Hartwick is a guy who has superpowers (flight and perhaps super strength it seems). What does he do with them? Save lives and stop crimes? Nope. He uses them SOLELY to thwart circumcisions. That’s it and that’s all. Look Foreskin Man, I appreciate that this is an important issue to you, but with great power comes great responsibility. You have these amazing powers and there are people out there being murdered and raped and suffering all sorts of other injustices, and you’re basically like “Whatever dude, if it doesn’t have to do with a baby’s penis skin it’s not important to me”. Also, come on… “Foreskin Man”? You’re going to call yourself Foreskin Man? It sounds more like you’re either made out of foreskin or have foreskin based powers, I don’t know which of those is more disturbing.

One of Foreskin Man’s archenemies is a doctor hellbent on circumcising babies who… for some reason… turns into a monster to perform the circumcisions. What the hell is the point of him turning into a monster if he’s still just going to do a circumcision? Monsters EAT babies, they don’t perform minor surgical procedures on them. Total waste of a monster transformation.

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Remember when Usher first came out, and he used to wear those goggles over a beanie?

Yeah… I totally did that. One of my many short-lived teen fashion choices. I also used to wear big windbreaker pants that effing swish swish swished everywhere I went. God, not only did I look ridiculous but I also SOUNDED ridiculous. Oh to be young! And foolish.

That’s still one of my favorite R&B albums though…

“I’ve got plaaaans to put my hands in places I’ve never seen girl you know what I mean!”

He meant her vagina, right? God I HOPE that’s what he meant.

“They call me U-S, H-E-R, R-A, Y-M, O-N-D… sobabytellmewhatyouwannadowitme”

Wait, what? They call you… Us Her Ra Ym Ond? Us Herra Ymond? Ush Erray Mond? USHER RAYMOND! GOT IT! Man, it would’ve been a lot easier for you to just say your name like a normal person instead spelling it in short disjointed fragments. As for what I wanna do wit you, I don’t know, how about you just take me to a place nice and quiet, where there ain’t no one there interrupt? Ain’t gotta rush, I just wanna take it nice and slow.

Am I the only one who’s always imagining the other side songs? Like, maybe she’s into all this stuff, but she could just as easily be like “This dude is creeping me out, we’re on a first date, I barely know him and he’s telling me he’s going to drive me to a secluded area and finger me. I don’t feel safe.”

Listen to any love/sex song and imagine that whoever they’re singing to is not interested at all, and suddenly the lyrics will sound really scary.

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I have this The Adicts t-shirt that I bought at a thrift store a long long time ago. I don’t know anything about The Adicts, but the shirt was like $2, and my size, and I liked the way it looked, so I bought it. After buying the shirt I actually went and listened to a bunch of their songs, and I really just couldn’t get into it, not my cup of tea. When I walk around in this shirt I’m always hoping nobody asks me about them because then I have to either awkward explain that I don’t actually care about The Adicts, or pretend to be a big fan. I usually just tell the truth, and it’s ALWAYS weird. I tell them I’m not a fan I just bought the shirt at a thrift shop, and they’re always like “Oh…” then some times they say “Well you should check them out, they’re really good.” and then I say “Oh I did, just wasn’t my thing.” and I can just see in their eyes that they’re thinking “What a poser.”

Yeah… that’s a post. So what’s up you guys?

My local library has just hired two new librarians, and they are both HOT LIBRARIANS. As if I didn’t already love going to the library enough as it is!

How do I hit on a librarian? You know that type of person that doesn’t even look at you when they’re doing their job? They’re like that. It’s kind of intimidating to me. I don’t like to try to talk to someone who won’t even make eye contact with me. Let me try out some possibilities on you guys:

- Excuse me, do you guys have the book “A Definitive Guide to Penis Reduction”? Or anything else on that subject that I could check out?

- Excuse me, can you please assist me with the DO ME decimal system? Heh heh. Get it? Like Dewey decimal system, except I said “do me”, Like, ya know, sex and stuff… heh… *ahem* Okay, I messed up, let me start over again. Excuse me… I… love you?

- Excuse me, has anybody ever used the ol “Can I check YOU out?” line on you? Yes? Fuck! Um, will you go out with me please?

- Excuse me… (in this scenario hopefully they just look up at me, see that I am beautiful, and immediately fall in love with me without me having to say anything else)

- Excuse me, I was here yesterday and that other new librarian was saying how she’s the hottest librarian here, but I think that clearly you’re the hottest one. I think if we started dating that would totally prove her wrong. Also, I love you.

- Excuse me, I love you.

- Excuse me, do you have the book “How to Make Sweet Sweet Passionate Love to Librarians for Dummies”? Oh? That’s not a real book. Hm. How else could I learn that… hmmmm… I wonderrrr….

- Excuse me, you dumb stupid fat ugly bitch, how’s about we go on a date someti-Whoa! What’s with the attitude!? Stop yelling! I was just “negging” you! Women love to be put down a little bit, I read that in a seduction book! Okay, maybe I overdid it a little bit, but lighten up. So… how’s about that date? What? Aw, c’mon. There’s no need to get security involved.

- Excuse me, I’d like to check this book out. Just started working here? Do you like it? That’s cool. I kinda love the library, I consider it my home away from home. My name is Jeff by the way. Nice to meet you, that’s a pretty name. You’ll probably be seeing a lot of me around here :) Oh, before I forget, can you check in your computer if you guys have the book “A Definitive Guide to Penis Reduction”? I really wish my penis were smaller. The problem isn’t that it’s too big that it’s uncomfortable or anything, it’s fine, and ladies usually find it very pleasurable, but… I feel like I can never know if anyone really loves me for me :( I don’t want someone to be with me just because of my huge penis and amazing sexual prowess. Ya know?

Those are just some ideas. Thoughts?

Eyelid spasms are the worst! What a stupid thing for your body to do! Listen, body, if I’m not getting enough sleep, or I’m particularly stressed out, making my eye twitch uncontrollably is NOT helping!

BUT… it’s okay, I have my own personal cure for these annoying spasms! It’s not getting some rest, or potassium, or a hot towel or anything like that. Nope. Naked ladies! Yes indeed, I find that watching videos of naked ladies almost immediately makes an eye spasm go away. Whatever chemicals occur when I’m looking at naked ladies seems to counteract whatever’s going on with my twitchy eye. Or maybe it’s just that the blood in my face is going other places? I don’t know. I’m not a scientist. Actual scientists should investigate, maybe they can do some kind of study and verify the veracity of my claims. Could you imagine “Study finds that watching pornography relieves symptoms of stress and fatigue”. Men from then on would have that excuse in their back pocket ready to go. You’re welcome dudes.

Try it next time you get an eyelid spasm. Of course you can substitute naked men for ladies if that’s your preference. Or look at people in anthropomorphic animal costumes or weird fetish drawings on deviantart, whatever you’re into, I don’t know you. Good look. Let me know if it works.

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Some teenagers passed by me on the street, and one of the guys yells back at me “Hey! She think you cute!” pointing at one of the girls, who is turned away in embarrassment. They’re all staring at me awaiting my response. I don’t know what else to say about it so I just say “Thank you very much!” at her, then I turn to keep walking, and the guy yells “You don’t want to get her number?” and I yell back “…I’m old!”

Yeah.

“I’m old!”

I want to write a script about 3 girls pulling a heist, and my ideal cast would be Emma Stone, Aubrey Plaza and Charlyne Yi as the leads. I have a scene in my head where Charlyne Yi shoots a rocket launcher. Also they’re all lesbians, and maybe one of them is dating Ellen Page.

I’m not worried about anyone stealing my idea because I’m doubtful that Hollywood would greenlight a comedy with 3 female leads (that are actually funny) and isn’t about romance.

WHAT?! Are you out of your goddam mind? People marrying ice cream?! That’s ridic…

WHY SHOULDN’T I BE ABLE TO MARRY ICE CREAM?!

No, seriously, why not? How would me being married to my ice cream husband* harm anyone?? If you saw me walking down the street with my ice cream husband you wouldn’t think to yourself “Ew, a man/ice cream couple!” you’d just think “Man, that guy is really happy about that ice cream.” Let’s be real, it’s not like my ice cream marriage is going to last, my husband is either going to melt or be eaten by me (probably eaten) within 10 or 15 minutes. That ice cream isn’t going to make it out of the church I marry it in! My 15 minute marriage to my ice cream husband would affect no one. NO ONE! So if your fear of gay marriage hinges on not wanting people to be able to marry ice cream, I’d say that concern is illogical.

*I’m straight when it comes to humans, but I’m only attracted to male ice creams.

No but seriously, why are people that dumb allowed to get up in front of a crowd and say things about important stuff? How is two consenting adult humans getting married ANYTHING LIKE MARRYING A DOG OR AN ICE CREAM???

One time I was coming out of a 7-11 and noticed a crumpled empty little bottle of Extenze laying on the ground. If you ever stayed up late watching Comedy Central until it switched to infomercials then you know Extenze are pills for that “certain part of the male anatomy” as they like to put it, and now it comes in a liquid form that you can buy at the counter at 7-11.

So, someone went into 7-11, bought Extenze, drank it IMMEDIATELY and discarded the bottle on the ground. To me there is only one likely explanation for this… someone had a BONER EMERGENCY.

“Not a moment to waste!” he probably exclaimed the second before he gulped down that Extenze mid stride and flung the bottle behind him as he barreled through double doors. He hopped into his vehicle and flew out of the parking lot with his foot on the gas weaving erratically through traffic all the while muttering to himself “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, C’MON GODDAMIT!” one hand on the steering wheel, the other hand… elsewhere.

Did he get his so desired boner? Was it too late by time he got it? I guess we’ll never know.

Experimettle suggested “something your parents did to embarrass you”, so here’s this:

It was picture day at school in the 2nd or 3rd grade and my mom felt I needed a haircut, something my dad usually did, but my mom and dad were splitsky at this point, so my mom decided she would do it herself. When my dad gave me haircuts he pretty much cut my hair down to near bald, or gave me a fade, my mom however decided she wanted to get more creative than that and gave some weird ass House Party style hairdo that I was NOT into, and on top of that put me in some huge gold turtle neck sweater deal that I was also not feeling very much. I hated how I looked, but my mom tried to convince me that I looked really handsome. I didn’t really believe her, but I didn’t press the issue, it wasn’t my way.

I can’t even remember if anybody made fun of me or not, I just remember feeling like I looked like an idiot and wanting to go home. Luckily the look did not last long, my mom didn’t want me to be bummed out any longer and called my dad and he came and cut it all off after school, I recall him having a good laugh about it though, haha.

I don’t know if I captured the look accurately, I’m working off memory, but somewhere a photo of it exists. I’m definitely not going to go looking for it though.

*edit: For people who may be too young to know what “House Party” is, it was a series of movies in the 90’s starring Kid & Play

I really love reading books, but I find that I’m less likely to read a hit book like Hunger Games or Harry Potter or etc, not because I have anything against them, but just because I enjoy the activity of going to my local library and browsing the shelves, seeing what titles or covers jump out at me, reading the inside flaps, and just taking a chance on something I’ve heard nothing about. It feels like much more of an adventure that way, as opposed to “Everyone’s talking about this book, so I should read it.” It’s not a hard fast rule or anything, if something piques my interest I’ll read it whether it’s popular or not, but I just really like the book hunt. I’m a library rat. Ever since I was in elementary school I used to love bringing stacks of random books home from the library. Also, when I’m reading a book that’s a little obscure, I kinda like the feeling that I’m giving a lesser known author a well-deserved chance for all the hard work that went into not only writing a book but getting it out into the world.

I enjoy discovering books on my own basically, it’s half the fun of reading for me. It’s like my version of fishing I guess.

This one time I was on a date (a rare occurence), and we were just sitting on a bench chattin, and I was eating these white chocolate pretzel things, and I was thoroughly enjoying them, she was kinda just sitting there quietly. Then I was about to say something along the lines of “Hey, I don’t really like pretzels but these are pretty good.” but she interrupted me with a kiss, and it was kinda weird and awkward, ideally I don’t want to be kissed when my mouth is open and I have food in it, but on the other hand, hey a girl decided to kiss me I shouldn’t complain. For a moment though I didn’t know what to do, do I finish chewing these goodies, or do I return her advances? So for this indecisive moment she had her lips on my open crummy pretzel filled mouth. Then a jaguar appeared out of nowhere and mauled her to death. I spend every day cursing fate now. WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME JAGUAR!? WHY? *weeps*

R.I.P. that girl.

…okay so maybe I embellished that story a little bit, it was getting kinda boring towards the end.