“Colder than a witch’s tit” is such a weird phrase, I don’t know why a witch’s tit is cold, but that’s not the part that perplexes me. What makes it especially odd to me is that it’s always “tit”… singular… just one of them, that’s the only way I’ve ever heard anyone say it. Not “Colder than a witch’s tits.” just “tit”. Why just the one tit?! Do witches have one cold tit and one warm tit? Do they only have one tit to begin with? Do all witches have to undergo mastectomies or something? Is there some kind of witch ritual where they have to ice up only one tit for obscure witch reasons?

Which is it witches?

Also, I guess it just bothers me when phrases don’t have an obvious logic to them. Don’t go around acting like the temperature of a witch’s tit is just some common knowledge stuff. Most of us aren’t going around fondling witches (We’re not right? You guys would tell me if this was going on, right? I don’t want to be the only idiot not knowing about this witch fondling craze that’s happening and is missing out on all the witch action. I mean, a cold tit doesn’t seem ideal, but I’ll take what I can get. Man, this parenthetical is getting out of hand, I have a bad habit of saying way too much stuff inside parenthesis. I guess it stems back to when I was 7yrs old and this old man… crap, there I go again, about to launch into a whole anecdote, I gotta learn how to keep my parentheticals concise. Late new year’s resolution. Okay this is getting ridiculous. Stopping…. now.) …what was I saying at the beginning of this sentence? I forget.

Anyway… uh, the end.

That phrase is just downright RUDE! I mean come on, horses don’t even know what the hell is going on. Dudes just climb on top of them and start yelling “Yah yah!” and the horses are like “Oh… shit… okay, uh I guess I have to take this human places now, fuck what I wanna do with my life. Ow! What’s on this guys fucking shoes?? OW! OKAY! I’m running! Fuck!”

Then if something happens to them, like say they get a broken leg, the human is like “I’m not gonna let you suffer.” and the horse is like “Whooaa whatareyoudoingwiththatGUN!? Don’t kill me dude! It’s just a broken leg! It’s not that bad, just get me to a horse doctor! God you’re just going to shoot me in the face out here cause I broke my leg?? This is so messed up!” HORSE LIFE! It ain’t easy!

Horses are the most laid back beasts of burden, be thankful that they’re super chill about letting us get on their backs, because if they wanted to they could just stomp us to death, so cut them some slack. Don’t go swearing at them just because the human that rode in on top of them happened to be an asshole. Not the horse’s fault dude. Not the horse’s fault.

Respect horses.